Have you ever wondered what makes a happy and healthy marriage?

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What those couples do differently that makes the difference between them just being together and being happy together?

When we get married we go through a honeymoon period and for some time the euphoria continues. But what to do to continue being happy together forever? Is it even possible?

The marriage is not about just coexistence and getting by through life. The marriage supposed to be a lifelong commitment to one another, yet so many couples end up either unhappy and divorce. Or worse- they get stuck in an unhappy relationship and not try to do anything to fix it.

The facts:

The statistics show that last year in 2018 there were just fewer than 91 thousand divorces (heterosexual couples) with the most common reason being- unreasonable behaviour. Women are amongst the dominant side filing for divorce and the most popular month to do this is January (New Year’s resolutions?)

The latest statistics show there were short of 250 000 marriages in 2016.

So if you compare this to the number of divorces, that’s around 36%!

36% of couples had made a mistake marrying, did not try hard enough or could no longer be bothered to carry on fighting for it.

The world is changing and people adapt to the trends and no longer make spontaneous decisions to marry. People choose not to marry but stay in a partnership more than ever. There is also a trend for older couples to get married and also older woman becoming first time mums. This is particularly apparent in London. But despite this the divorce percentage is high.

So if you feel like perhaps your marriage (or relationship) is on a rocky ship at the moment, or just need a little advice where to improve it, I might have just the advice you are looking for.

I have been happily married for nearly 12 years (from May 2008). With the time we’ve been together and having 3 kids I think this is enough to demonstrate some level of consistency to talk about what makes a happy and healthy marriage.

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18 secrets to a happy & healthy marriage:

It is important to set the expectations right from the beginning. Marriage is not a fairy tale and if you realise this right from the start you will not be getting disappointed. However, happy and healthy marriages do exits and I hope this will cover all the secrets I have come up with that work in our relationship and I am sure many can adapt them to their own relationships

1. Respect one another

This must be the most important thing on my list. Not because I lack this in my marriage, quite the opposite, my husband and I have a great deal of respect for one another.

I have seen many couples that talk badly about one another to others and to each other as well. I have seen couples were not only verbally but physically abusive. It leads to a toxic relationship which can only end one way. Or else it carries on until someone gets seriously hurt.

To respect others you have to respect yourself so if you struggle respecting others, perhaps you have some work to do on your own self-respect.

2. Accept imperfections and don’t try to fix them

The truth is- nobody is perfect!

So don’t expect your partner to be perfect as you are not perfect either (no matter how much you would like to disagree with me here).

If they have some flaws that really bother you, perhaps you should discuss this and try to find a way around it, or learn to compromise. Just don’t try to change the person you love as it will only lead to more disappointments and arguments.

3. Trust each other

The healthy relationship must be built on trust! There is no way around it. If you don’t trust your partner you will not only drive yourself insane but also become consumed by negative thoughts and end up questioning them, almost like tracing every step they do.

The trust is only gone once it’s broken. And if this happens, there are still ways to build it up, but you might need some counselling depending on how deep the scar is.

4. Work out together

This is such a fun way of spending time together and we practice this quite often with my husband as we like exercising at home. This can also be done at the gym, but having kids bounds us to keep this at home. Not only you get to impress your partner with some new moves or help them keep their technique right, but it always leads to laughter and it’s just so much more fun to have a buddy to push you harder.

5. Treat your partner as your best friend

This is another important thing that I believe in. We share so many secrets with my husband and can come to one another with any problem or success alike. Your partner is the only person you will be by your side until the end of life (hopefully). Friends come and go and are not always honest or happy for you, but your partner will be there until the end of times.

6. Admit to your mistakes and apologise when on the wrong

To me, this is something that I used to struggle with as I am a stubborn person by nature. I do need a bit more time to think things through before I finally admit to my mistakes. And I must give this to my other half that by him being the one that would apologise (sometimes even when I was the one on the wrong) over the years made me look at this from the different perspective.

I think sometimes we just get so wrapped up with how we perceive things and how we feel about it, that it makes us unable to look at the matter form the partner’s perspective. So I do now (more so than ever) look from both angles just to ensure I have at least tried seeing it from his point of view.

7. Appreciate one another

It is so important to be appreciated and likewise to appreciate your partner.

The little “Thank You” or the gesture of appreciation goes a long way and makes us want to carry on going. It is vital to a healthy relationship that we know what we do matters to your partner and that they are grateful for your efforts.

So don’t forget to remember to say Thank You even when your partner did the very “usual” thing.

8. Flirt with each other

The romance in the relationship is the one that makes us feel loved and wanted. Keep the sparkle going by being flirty.

Send a text during the day with a little compliment or gentle touch can really be the start of a flirty game that leads to a further intimacy between the couple.

I can recommend this fun book 101 ways to flirt if you are looking for more ideas.

9. Set time for a date

The everyday life, work, kids, house chores, hobbies can be so time-consuming that we end up leaving our partners somewhere at the very bottom of the priority list.

Make time for each other by setting up a day where you spend time with each other just the two of you. No kids, no friend or interruptions.

Simple dinner night, movie date or dance in the club or whatever you two like doing can reunite you two as a couple.

It is hard to do when you have young kids hence I and my husband have a movie night in the house or very occasionally we ask someone to babysit so that we can go out to dinner or dance. Not as often as we would like but this will change once the kids grow up a bit and can be left home alone (I hope).

10. Go back the memory lane

If you have been together for a few years already, this is a great way to bring back the memories from the time you were younger and just at the beginning of your times together.

We sometimes look back at the photos and talk about the experiences we have been together.

We both love this exercise as it makes us appreciate even more how much we have achieved together over the years and appetite one another even more.

11. Help each other with little things

Without being asked for help, do some little things that would make your partners life a little easier. Empty the dishwasher, set the washing up, empty the bin, prepare their lunch, whatever it is that you don’t usually do, but know it will help a little can go a mile in the relationship. We practice this very often and it really just makes us appreciate each other even more.

12. Don’t let your emotions drive your arguments and stay within the boundaries or respect even when having an argument

What I mean here is that often when we feel upset (usually during the argument) we tend to reach for words that can hurt. Hurt deep.

You must have heard this before: “Words can cut deeper than a knife.” This is so true.

Negative words stuck in our heads and can keep bothering us and hurting for much longer than we would like. Likewise, when we fire bad words toward our loved ones they will hear them in their heads much longer to what we will even remember saying them. So when in a heat of a moment, stay respectful to each other and say things in a way that put the point across but don’t use the hateful or swear at your partner.

Besides, a bad argument can lead to a breakup so be mindful of this.

I do like this article written by another blogger which has a good point about how to argue without ruining the relationship.

13. Work as a team

This is especially important when being a parent.

Every person has their ways of how to raise the children and they might not necessarily align with your partners was. So if you two do not agree on certain ways you parent your kids, try to talks this over (without the presence of your kids) and find common ground.

We have had many things we did not agree on when it comes to raising our kids and over the years we have had many discussions and learned the ways we go about things and now work as a team. This is important that kids see you work as a team as otherwise, they would take one parent for granted and know they will get away with certain things with one parent and take advantage of the “weaker link”.

Here is another great article on parenting teamwork.

14. Communicate your needs – don’t expect your partner to read your mind

My mum is one I will use as an example of a bad communicator in a relationship here. My parents have been married now for nearly 35 years and my mum will never learn that until she asks my dad for something, it will not be actioned by him. Why? Because he’s not a psychic! He cannot read what’s in my mum’s mind.

I see this happens so often. People seem to think that somewhat their partner will read their mind or think in the same way as them. If something is obvious to you, it does not necessarily mean it’s obvious to somebody else.

You need to communicate effectively so that your partner can understand what is going through your mind. How else would they know?

And not everyone is just naturally good communicator but there are ways to improve those skills and I can highly recommend this book if you would like to improve your communication skills.

15. Listen to each other

And to add to the communication above you too need to learn to listen. This one is my husband’s weak point. Sometimes he just does not listen (or maybe he just can’t remember) and I get frustrated as I would tell him about something and a few days later he would ask me about the same thing, despite me already telling him about it.

But I just go by the Point 2 covered above and don’t try to fix this imperfection of his and let it go.

16. Have a bit of alone time

It is crucial to realise that the relationship is made up of two individuals that have its own identity, needs and interests. And as such, they need to spend some time developing their own interests. On their own! Allow this for each other to take some time alone!

Whether this is a short break abroad, or some fancy retreat just on their own, it is okay to want to do this alone. As long as it’s within the boundaries of your relationship acceptance i.e. you are both comfortable with the idea, you should take some time alone every so often.

A healthy relationship should not restrict you from doing things you love and also if you love and respect one another, you wouldn’t want to do anything that would hurt each other’s feelings.

17. Support each other

Support each other on every journey you go through.

I have recently finished my study journey which has taken me years to complete and the one and only supporter all the way through was my husband. He was the one cheering me on and keeping me going even when I failed so many times along the way and wanted to give up.

If you cheer each other on whatever new adventures you are taking on, it will only make things easier. The support you give might make the difference between the fail and the success. So show your support and cheer them on. It adds the whole new meaning to the journey knowing you have the support of your loved ones.

18. Accept changes you both going though

Over the years people change. Their perception changes, their priorities change, the things they like might change and likewise things they don’t like change.

Accept and appreciate those changes rather than making comments such as: “You’ve never used to do this… You’ve changed…”

Yes… You have changed! You have grown older, wiser and with all the life lessons along the way, you have changed the way you think and perceive things. And so will your partner.

So when you realise that something has changed in your partner, rather than accuse them of anything and look for a reason to worry, embrace the changes and if it really worries you- Communicate it (point 14) Talk things though so that you can understand what is going on.

 

Conclusion

So there were my top 18 secrets to a happy and healthy marriage.

The relationship between two people is complex enough to write a book about it. And with every human having a different set of minds, believes, cultural backgrounds and past experiences it will only take one thing that will keep them strong together… LOVE. As long as there is a Love, the couple can go through many difficulties and differences and work things out.

I would love to hear from you- what are your secrets to a happy and healthy marriage (or relationship)?

Please let me know in the comments below.

Thank you